As I was getting back into bed, I noticed something felt funny. What the... My wedding bands would NOT twist. I ALWAYS wist them, its a nervous habit, so that had me a bit alarmed. I flicked on the light to find my left ring finger GINORMOUS! It was huge and my rings were stuck! (remember the anxiety I discussed a while back, well it was kicking into high gear) Frantically, I ran down stairs to grab dish soap and smothered my fat finger with it and began to twist.
Nope them puppies weren't moving... Quickly I dashed upstairs crying to Jason, urgently explaining my finger was going to fall off if these rings didn't come off like NOW... He kinda rolled his eyes and went back to bed... meanie! I quickly dashed into the bathroom remembering some lube that promised to... well you get the idea... I lubed my fingers up. I twisted. I pulled. I twisted and I pulled some more, but NOTHING!
Seriously, I knew death was imminent. My heart was racing and the hyperventilating started. In between gasps, I got dressed and announced to whoever was listening that I was going to the hospital... Once in the car, I felt I was gonna survive the 10 minute trip and calmed down a little. As I pulled into the street I realized it was Saturday night and that I was now going to be killed by a drunk driver. My children were going to be motherless and raised by some two bit that would never do as good of a job as me and they would end up in a terrible school. Seriously, the hyperventilation was BACK. With a vengeance...
Both hands gripping the steering wheel, I pulled into the emergency room and dashed inside. The sweet lady at the desk asked what was wrong and I told her my whole story... "I quit smoking 2 years ago, I gained 20 pounds, and today I ate salty movie popcorn" I cried "and now my finger is swollen and my rings are stuck!! Please, someone has to get them off!"
They check me in and take me back... After placing my hands on ice, holding my hand above my heart, they finally broke out the big guns... a ring cutter offer... My sweet 20 month pregnant nurse squeezed in as close as that big ole baby belly would allow and sawed them bad boys off! I swear I could have kissed the woman. Finally, I was FREE!!! My heart slowed down and I sighed a huge sigh of relief. I thanked her profusely, and skipped out to my car with my rings tucked safely into a bio hazard bag as life was now good...
Then I had to explain to Jason how it was totally reasonable to go to the ER at 4 in the morning, have my beautiful rings sawed off, and how we must now go to the jewelers to have them fixed because damn it I need my diamonds :) Crazy enough, he never said a word. I guess after 15 years he is more than used to my wackiness!